Crisis De-Escalation

It’s been almost 6 years since my dad died, and the not-having-a-dad thing is not easier. Approaching 29, grappling with my grief has become more dynamic.

When I was 22, my dad died. My thoughts really began and ended with that. My dad died, and what was I going to do? My coping mechanism was to carry on and be everything everyone around me needed. This method did not allow me to dissect my grief, but rather, my environment and the reactions of everybody around me. I spent little time looking inward. I accredited it to the transparency of the situation. I told myself: I knew! I was prepared! The books were right, the nurses were right, my dad was right! I deeply convinced myself that since I experienced it all first hand, I processed the tragedy progressively and was now an aid for those around me.

In third grade at Girl Scouts, we repeatedly had lessons on what to do during a crisis. My response was, “stay calm!” amidst the more obvious answers from my fellow Brownies: call 911, run, yell, CPR, etc. I remember this because my Scout leader made a point to point it out. My innate response to upheaval is to stay calm– because someone needs to maintain control and be able to respond when things go awry. I suppose that camporee, I’d unknowingly taken on the trajectory of my coping mechanisms.

My calmness has been my blanket: never letting myself catch fire, instead, putting everyone else’s out. I was calm; therefore, capable. I saw what happened when chaos ensued and I couldn’t bear the loss of control because if not me, who?